I'm putting this here because Chris e-yelled at me for using myspace bulletins instead of this blog.
So without further ado, gettin' a little personal.

I'm afraid that every single word I say is just an echo of the pain that you put me through.
For every letter, it's me (not really) sleeping all the way on the edge of the bed.
For every word, it's you screaming about what a horrible person I am.
For every sentence, it's my body thrown to the bathroom floor.
For every paragraph, it's you still to this day reminding me that I am worthless.
I used to tell myself that there was good in you. And for every one time you were nice, I forgave several times that you were awful to me.
I never knew I could be so stupid. I stayed with you long after I fell out of love with you. I kept telling myself that you were the best I could ever get. That I deserved the way you ignored me... that I was always asking too much. It was too much to ask for you to wake up when you told me to wake you up... that's why you screamed at me. It was too much to want you to trust me... that's why you accused me of cheating on you every single day. It was too much to ask for you to stop doing things that upset me... that's why you "got frustrated" and pushed me, and blamed it on some pills.
I was sure that I had earned everything you did. Which is why I ignored it for so long.
It wasn't until 3 weeks ago that I finally stopped giving you more credit than you deserved. I excused the entire awful relationship just because we laughed together every now and then. Just because you told me you loved me.
My naiveté is appalling.
I need to stop the empathy train that I've been running on my whole life. I make excuses for everyone around me. I have a hard time believing that ANYONE could be a bad person. No matter how much disrespect they show me... I always try to rationalize it. They're just dealing with their own problems! It was just some bad medication! They just don't understand how their actions affect others! But no. I can't do this anymore.
I dated a bad person for over a year. He destroyed my self-confidence, completely obliterated my ability to trust, and is just a general douche. He says awful things about his friends behind their backs, and I'm fairly sure they all know it and still put up with him. He lies, a lot. And yet I still want to say that he's not at fault. I want to say he just doesn't get it, because he has the mind of a 7-year-old.
But that's it. I know I'm far from perfect. I know I overreact. I know that I get kind of neurotic. But it's time I realized that I did NOT warrant the way he treated me. What happened was NOT my fault. I can't keep blaming myself for someone else's lack of consideration.

As a post script just for this blog, I have a few more words to say. Advice, if you will.
If you're unhappy in your relationship, get out of it. Don't stick around because you love them. If you honestly have to convince yourself that it's all worth it, it's not.

Being single after a long relationship is kind of a weird experience.

I guess I should enter a little background on the relationship I am out now free from. Until October of last year, I had been in my very first real relationship. We had been dating a year at that point, 10 months of which we spent living together. I could go off on what an awful idea that was, but for now I'm going to focus on the events that have occurred since the break up, and less on the relationship itself.

Being single after a mildly abusive relationship that destroys your self-esteem is exciting... in that you have brief interest in several people before completely abandoning them. Can't say I didn't warn anyone, but I'm still a bitch. Of course, not at all rivaling the hedonistic ways of Chris, I can say there have been quite a few folks whose text messages I have stopped responding to in the last 6 months. I don't mean to be rude, but my lack of enthusiasm outweighs my politeness when it comes to texting.

Sorry guys. It's hard to keep my attention.

Although I recently started seeing someone whose affections haven't repulsed me (yes, this is an improvement) I'm still wary of the "relationship" thing. I'm fairly sure that I want to spend the summer single. Not for any pervy reasons, I'm just a huge stress-case when I'm in a relationship.

How do you late 20's-early 30's folks do it? The whole dating thing?
In television shows, men and women go on dates with several people in the same time period. And they all seem okay with this until things are officially monogamous.
You try to do that with folks in their early 20's and someone is bound to get offended and crazy jealous. That just isn't heard of these days. It's like if you go on one date with someone and are still somewhat interested, you have to see it through to the end before looking around more.

Now, I'm not saying I want to date around. I really don't have the patience for more than one person at the same time. I just thought it was sort of interesting.
I think that people my age are far too obsessed with falling in love. I don't want to fall in love again. All that mushy crap disgusts me anyway.


As a side note, though...
If I find someone who will be my player 2 in Altered Beast and play til we beat the damn thing, I will have found the person to spend my life with.